The 10 & 2 Report
The commissioner fielded ten players. Nobody is to mention which position was missing.Edited by the commissioner. Objectivity not guaranteed.
STANDINGS Mr Steinfeld And Co 3-1 (518.96) · Njigbas in Paris 3-1 (480.18) · SKATTABUBU 3-1 (459.16) · Pookie Nacuie 3-1 (433.68) · I Don't Know 2-2 (541.10) · 🏉 2-2 (532.98) · Backshot Brandon 2-2 (479.38) · Better luck next time! 2-2 (457.24) · Just missing 9 1-3 (446.38) · Ceedeez La DD 1-3 (433.34) · White Guy 1-3 (427.84) · OG Token 1-3 (412.94)
Week 4 Recaps ALL FINAL
White Guy 136.92Ceedeez La DD 104.90
Logan's first win, and the commissioner would like it noted that he played the whole game with no quarterback. The QB slot sat empty while Drake Maye (26.16) and Tyler Shough (15.94) watched from the bench, next to LaPorta (22.4) and Vele (17.4). Kelce gave 3.5, Saquon 2, McConkey 0. Optimal lineup: 178.36. CeeDee went for 41.3 for the team named after him and still lost. Logan got Higgins 26.7, Burrow 23.72 and 18 from Ollie Gordon II, the guy he dropped Achane for. The brand is dead. The 61.86 era is over.Just missing 9 146.00OG Token 91.20
Father-Son Bowl goes to the son by 54.80. Tetairoa McMillan dropped 45.2, the best game of the week, on a 15.85 projection. Kirk Cousins, picked up midweek for C.J. Stroud, threw in 22.6. Dylan did it without Jefferson, Daniels, Etienne or Dowdle. Ken finally started the right QB (Mahomes, 17), so of course Chase gave him 5.7 on a 20.43 projection. Even his optimal 106.0 loses.Mr Steinfeld And Co 161.12Pookie Nacuie 98.26
Week high. Kyren Williams 36.7, Zay Flowers 25.8. Josh Allen had 18.52 on a 22.23 projection, which this paper blames on the weather and on Justin's general energy. The MVP still won by 62.86. Derek's first loss, and Kamara (22.8) sat on his bench while Parker Washington gave him 2.I Don't Know 139.30Better luck next time! 84.74
Nico Collins, started at zero in Weeks 2 and 3, finally showed up: 30.8. Bijan 27.7. Nate left Monangai's 28 on the bench and won by 54.56 anyway. Jeremy started waiver adds Marcus Mariota (5.34) and the Jets D/ST (0) with Bo Nix (13.56) on his bench. Rashee Rice: 0. Week low.Njigbas in Paris 114.18🏉 103.02
JSN was quiet (12.6) so Judkins (21.6) and Fairbairn (16) carried. Tommy got 30.9 from Kenneth Walker but started Montgomery (4.3) and Schultz (2.9) with Loveland (11.7), Gainwell (10.7) and Pickens (9.5) sitting. Best lineup was 120.02. Self-inflicted.SKATTABUBU 126.78Backshot Brandon 105.58
Sarah started Goff (20.48)! Left just 8.6 on the bench, and the one mistake was starting Skattebo (7.6), her own team's namesake. Connor started DeVonta Smith on a 0 projection (0 points) and benched Brian Robinson Jr. (25.7). That swap alone wins it.By the Numbers WEEK 4
73.46 left on the commissioner's bench. League high this week, by 38.6.
10 self-inflicted losses in four weeks. Matthew, Connor, Ken: two each.
118.9 season bench points for Matthew, passing Sarah (114.1) for the league lead.
9, 3, 9, 2. Saquon Barkley's season, line by line.
Awards WEEK 4
Player of the Week
Tetairoa McMillan (Dylan), 45.2. Nearly triple his projection, and the reason the Father-Son Bowl wasn't close.
The Empty Chair
Matthew. No QB started. 73.46 left on the bench, Maye's 26.16 included. The commissioner's office has ruled this a bold zero-QB strategy that was ahead of its time. Appeals denied.
Heartbreaker
Tommy. Closest loss of the week, by 11.16, with 17 on the bench. Best lineup (120.02) beats Jonny.
Started a Ghost
Connor. DeVonta Smith, 0 projection, 0 points. Nate's handing the title over.
Waiver Wire Malpractice
Jeremy. Claimed Mariota and the Jets D/ST off waivers, started both, got 5.34 and 0. Bo Nix (13.56) and Jake Bates (18) on the bench. 34.82 left.
Back From the Dead
Nico Collins (Nate), 30.8. 0, 0, 30.8. Nate never stopped starting him. Faith rewarded.
Nearly Perfect
Justin, 2.8 left. Week high, cleanest lineup in the league.
League MVP (Unbiased)
Josh Allen. 18.52 in a 62.86-point win. A down week by his standards, so weather or Justin. The man himself is blameless.
Trade Report WAIVER WIRE EDITION
Trades processed: 0
Four weeks, zero trades. It's a family league where nobody trusts family.Dylan: + Kirk Cousins, − C.J. Stroud
WinnerCousins: 22.6 the same week. Plus Packers D/ST (10). Best pickup of the week.Logan: + Ollie Gordon II, − De'Von Achane
WorkedGordon gave him 18 in his first win. Also churned Mayfield into Tyreek Hill.Jeremy: + Mariota, Jets D/ST, Shrader
VerdictShrader kicked 16. The other two combined for 5.34. Still the most moves in the league.Also
Ken added Bears D/ST (9) and Waller (6.6). Tommy added four guys, Bucs D/ST got 7. Jonny took Ravens D/ST (7). Connor and Justin: still zero moves.Prediction Report Card 0-0
No picks to grade yet
The paper's first official picks, Upset Alert and Lock of the Week come in Thursday's Kickoff Edition. Record: 0-0. Unbeaten, technically.Issue 1 hot takes, graded for fun
"Derek is the luckiest 3-0 team alive": lost by 62.86. Nailed it. Tommy at No. 1: lost. Logan's losing "brand": he won. 1-2. Not counted, obviously.Power Rankings NOT ESPN'S
| 1 | Mr Steinfeld And Co Justin · 3-1 · 518.96 ▲5 Week high, 31-13 all-play, and the league MVP. Justin's mostly along for the ride. |
| 2 | I Don't Know Nate · 2-2 · 541.10 ▲1 New PF leader. Collins is back. A.J. Brown still out. |
| 3 | 🏉 Tommy · 2-2 · 532.98 ▼2 Best all-play in the league (32-12). Lost twice anyway. |
| 4 | Njigbas in Paris Jonny · 3-1 · 480.18 – Won a week where JSN didn't. That's growth. |
| 5 | Backshot Brandon Connor · 2-2 · 479.38 ▼3 28-16 all-play, two self-inflicted losses. Check the injury report. |
| 6 | SKATTABUBU Sarah · 3-1 · 459.16 ▲3 Started Goff. Character development. |
| 7 | Pookie Nacuie Derek · 3-1 · 433.68 – Luck caught up. 16-28 all-play. Nacua's back (27.7), Charbonnet isn't. |
| 8 | Better luck next time! Jeremy · 2-2 · 457.24 ▼3 Week low. Two kickers rostered, no Rashee. |
| 9 | Ceedeez La DD Matthew · 1-3 · 433.34 ▼1 Would be 11th. Commissioner's discretionary bump applied. Appeals denied. |
| 10 | Just missing 9 Dylan · 1-3 · 446.38 ▲1 146 with four starters out. Real team when healthy. |
| 11 | White Guy Logan · 1-3 · 427.84 ▲1 On the board. Beat the commish, docked a spot for it. |
| 12 | OG Token Ken · 1-3 · 412.94 ▼2 Lowest PF, minus-15 a week vs. projection. |
Luck Meter SEASON TO DATE
| Team | Sched. luck (W) | Perf. pts/wk | Injuries est. pts/wk |
|---|---|---|---|
| Derek | +1.55 | −12.6 | −28.6 |
| Sarah | +1.09 | −8.9 | −9.9 |
| Jonny | +0.73 | +0.1 | 0.0 |
| Jeremy | +0.36 | −8.3 | −6.0 |
| Justin | +0.18 | +8.4 | −15.4 |
| Logan | −0.09 | −7.4 | −3.9 |
| Matthew | −0.45 | −6.3 | 0.0 |
| Ken | −0.45 | −15.0 | 0.0 |
| Connor | −0.55 | +6.3 | −13.5 |
| Dylan | −0.64 | −1.4 | −25.9 |
| Nate | −0.82 | +24.1 | −19.1 |
| Tommy | −0.91 | +9.0 | 0.0 |
Sched. luck = actual wins minus all-play expected wins. Perf. = starters' actual minus ESPN projection, per week. Injuries = est. per-game value of regulars who sat with 0 pts (hurt-since-draft excluded).
Verdict: Derek's still the luckiest team in the league. Tommy and Nate should both be 3-1.
Storylines We're Watching
- White Guy Bowl, Week 5: Logan vs. Ken. White guys are 2-6 combined. One of them gets to 2-3.
- Commish vs. Nate: Matthew gets the PF leader. Sources say he'll start a quarterback this time.
- Derek vs. Tommy: luckiest team vs. unluckiest. Regression is undefeated.
- New names: Dylan is now "Just missing 9," Sarah is "SKATTABUBU."
- Still no trades. Connor and Justin still haven't made a single move.